Thankful

Yesterday I spent a lot of time contemplating how much I have to be thankful for. Friends...family...health...cheese. There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year, and I am so grateful for the support I've been graciously and generously given by so many individuals. This journey we're on together is full of so many unexpected twists and turns, eh? I'm lucky to be surrounded by so many people who are willing to help me veer when I need to instead of crashing head first into the wall. Though sometimes it seems the wall is just inevitable.

We're the only country in the world that has a national holiday dedicated to giving thanks for the blessings we have. Despite the twisted history that goes along with it and the inevitable associations with stuffing our faces until we can't move and watching modern day gladiator contests on tv, I think the idea is still pretty cool. And today I give thanks because I am SO grateful for all of my many blessings; so thankful for the path that I have been entrusted with following in this life; and for the many wonderful people who have accompanied me along the way, including you, dear reader.

Every so often I think it's the job, or maybe the lot, of every blogger to stop and wonder why they're writing...who they're writing for...and what they're getting out of it. This space has meant a lot of things to me over the last few years and it has given me the opportunity to do a lot of much needed and often therapeutic rambling (whether or not anyone out there was listening.) But have you ever noticed that sometimes the sheer practice of doing something out of routine can sort of strip it of its meaning?

The long and the short of it is that I think I'm done here. This space is too full of memories and ghosts that I think, in a way, are keeping me from moving forward; from starting fresh and from allowing the deeper changes that are taking place to wash over me and take me where they will. I'm ready to let go and to just float for awhile.I may start up a new blog in a new space at some point in the future. I've enjoyed doing this and, on reflection, it has done a lot for me. So if you want to be notified leave me a comment or drop me a line and I'll let you know if and when that happens. Otherwise, thanks for reading. Thanks for the support. And thanks for being a part of my observations as we all strive for awakening.

All Stuffed Up and Nowhere To Go

The last week has been crazy. I've been up to all sorts of madness, which is perhaps why I hit a brick wall Sunday night and have been laid out with some sort of crazy flu ever since. But before the fates saw fit to consign me to bed rest for an indeterminate period of time, I was able to get in a few fun activities over the last few days like:

• sit in on oral arguments at the 9th Circuit. as far as i'm concerned, the court of appeals is, hands down, the most beautiful building in SF.
• mitigate the devastating effects of my auto-haircut. after getting over the initial shock of the color change and the "what the hell were you thinking" trim i had given myself, my hairstylist chopped it all off and gave me a sporty new do. a major testament to her creative talent.
• go for three long runs and one long bike ride in the park. six and a quarter mile run on sunday, people. she's back.
• go grocery shopping. if you have any idea how long it's been since i last did that, you know what a big deal it is.
• sell fancy clothes to all the rich SF folk. it must be somebody's idea of a joke to have me selling designer clothes at a boutique in the marina. listening to people chat about all the different jean cuts and their relative benefits is like studying a foreign language. hopefully some of y&i's fashion sense will rub off on me.
• have a slumber party with the girls. and no, we did not have a pillow fight. we actually sat around drinking beer, watching football, and talking politics for most of the evening.
• go dancing in the mission. skylark on a friday rocks!
• have dinner at eric's. damn that guy can make a mean rosemary potato!

And now I've been reduced to a feverish and whimpering ball of snot, pathetically moaning aloud to my very unsympathetic cat. I think I'm going to try crawling to the kitchen to make myself some tea. If I'm not back in a week, send help.

They Call Me Demanda

The new roommate and I are really getting to know one another well, as evidenced by a particularly insightful observation she made the other night while we were discussing an interaction she recently witnessed between me and someone I hardly know:

"You're like a G-rated dominatrix."

Pretty perceptive if you ask me. Then again, she also says shit like, "You're a bird" and "Everyone's a dragon." Or, "People think too much in this country. Well...with the exception of Lorena Bobbitt."

So you can't take her too seriously.

Behold the Embarrassment

This is me. This is me drunk at the auction. Mere moments before my more sober friends, in their wisdom, decided to take my bid number away from me lest I actually win the $3,000 Tahoe package that I decided I needed (that is, in addition to the tattoo that I bought). This is me in the photo that has somehow, and unfortunately, made its way onto my school's website. Let that be a warning to all of you. USF admits drunks. Or at the very least, creates them.

Breaking Down

If I told you my car broke down on the Bay Bridge this morning would you even believe me?

And I swear to God, I think the police officer that finally called a tow truck for me is the one that arrested me in April. It was like my own little "Crash" moment.

My guardian angel Hannah, who is miraculously at home whenever my car hits the fan these days, informed me that it must be because Mercury's in retrograde. I don't know entirely what that means, but okay.

So three hours later, when I finally arrived home - soaked to the bone and carrying everything I could manage to salvage from the interior of my car - I did the only thing I could think to do in order to keep myself from crumbling to the floor in a sobbing mess. I died my hair black. And oh yes, there were scissors involved.

Yesterday would have been my eleventh anniversary with C. That's almost unfathomable to me right now. Almost half a lifetime. Poof. A couple of weeks ago I found all of our pictures from South America. We look so young, and hopeful, and in love. It was heartbreaking.

But like I told Bruno yesterday, I have been broken before. Lots of times in fact. The difference is that this time I'm setting the bones so that they'll heal properly. Or at least I'm trying to. But it's a lot of work. And I am very, very tired.

In a Nutshell

Sorry I've been a little m.i.a. lately. Life's been more than a little hectic. What have I been up to you ask? Well, to make a long story short, I've been:

• deconstructing my identity through therapy. the decompensation continues...
  
• dealing with an eviction notice from my landlord. um, three days to vacate? what?
  
• dealing with the ongoing effects of an emergency visit to the vet and the clear signs of Stockholm syndrome my cat has been showing as a result of me shoving medicine down her throat twice a day that smells like pepto-bismol. what makes anyone think that the taste of pepto will be remotely palatable to a cat? why not make it taste like tuna, i ask.
  
• training for a 10k (which mostly consists of berating myself for not training)
• hating school and having more work to do than i ever have before. i feel guilty for even writing this right now. and then there are exams, which are right around the corner. but let's not go there right now, m'kay?
  
• trying to deal with the ramifications of my developing crush on yet another unavailable man. this time i chose the safe route of pining for someone who lives several states away and is in a relationship.
  
• dealing with continued threats of litigation from the summer subletter. ugh.
  
• hanging out with kelley. can't wait to see you again! well, you and all the other friends i've been neglecting. chrissie, i know that includes you.
  
• getting so annoyed about my leaky toilet that i'm ready to drop out of law school and become a plumber. actually, any excuse to drop out would do. I take that back. Not any excuse.
  
• watching Rome season 1. it's like crack only without the dental issues. (can someone please confirm that it hasn't been canceled?)
• partying like it's 1999 at the school auction and waking up in a haze the next day to realize that in my stupor, i bid on and won a tattoo.
• watching Borat. it's piss your pants, stomach cramps for hours funny. see it.